Good Advice

When Justin and I got engaged, I made an account for us on The Knot.  Once your wedding date is reached, the Knot automatically transfers you to The Nest, a site for newlyweds, and completing the tri-fecta is a site for babies/family called The Bump.


Since we've been married, I've been getting e-mails from the Nest, with advice or suggestions for newlyweds.  Most of the articles are shit.  (And the comments are worse!)  But today, I came across this article, and it was actually worth a look.




7 Relationship Mistakes Even the Smartest Couples Make

Mistake #1: Not Dealing With Debt

Newsflash: Money is the #1 thing couples fight about. Fess up about your personal debt -- because for better or worse -- and then set up a financial game plan with our budgeter.

Mistake #2: Alienating Your Friends

Friends are key for a successful marriage, so tag along on those girls' nights out. Just because you're not guy-hunting doesn't mean you can't be a supportive wingwoman.

Mistake #3: Not Having Enough Sex

Over 60 percent of newlyweds we surveyed were already in a sex rut! Yeah, you're busy, but that's not a good enough excuse not to get busy. Initiate sex, even if you don't feel like it or have to schedule it. If you get in the habit of having it, you'll start wanting it (and liking it) more.

Mistake #4: Letting Yourself Go

So you put on the "newlywed nine." Big whoop...you've already found your mate, right? Wrong! Make a plan to get fit together or at least respect each other's goals.

Mistake #5: Outlawing the In-Laws

Fifty percent of couples we surveyed have a problematic relationship with their in-laws (ya think?). Manage expectations, like saying you'll call on Sundays so his mom doesn't guilt-trip you for ignoring her weekday messages. Even if your spouse is bitching about his family, resist the urge to chime in. It'll bite you in the butt later.

Mistake #6: Crazy Fighting

Getting hitched isn't a free pass to hit below the belt (sorry!). When you're getting really heated, walk away to cool down for a few minutes.

Mistake #7: Becoming Baby-Obsessed

It's easy to fixate on that next big step, but chill out -- the average couple has a kid within three years of marriage. So really, why rush? Savor the moments (and vacations you can take!) now...when you won't have to be waking up for a brutal 4 a.m. feeding. 




I think most of these suggestions are really worth heeding.

Here's how we measure up (so far):

1. This one was hard for us, simply because we had never discussed it before.  It wasn't that we were embarrassed by our separate debt, but more so that we just didn't want to talk about it with each other, which isn't much better.  Now we're better at it, and we've even paid off some of it!  Justin's paid off 2 of his credit cards, and hopefully by the end of the year, mine will be paid off, too!
2. Because most of our friends are back in SC, it's difficult to not alienate them.  But whenever we go home, we make sure and see everyone we love!  Molly and I get together every time I'm in Spartanburg, and Justin is sure to play MTG with someone while he's in town.  Justin has had some luck making friends around Durham, but I haven't had as much.  I've had one lead or two, but they fizzle out pretty soon afterward.  I hope that changes.
3. Although I agree that sex is/can be important to a relationship, particularly a marriage, I also believe that forcing sex upon the relationship is only going to make things worse.  Justin and I have dealt with this frustration before, and it's always that I'm the one who isn't in the mood or doesn't want to.  He's is always in the mood for it, and it's very hit and miss with me.  But in spite of this, we both agree that if I were forced to have sex when I didn't want to, neither one of us would enjoy it.  We've tried scheduling it, but I feel like that takes all the "fun" out of it.  Needless to say, we are still working on this aspect of our relationship.
4. I don't agree with this one 100%.  When you marry someone, you say, "For better or worse," not, "Until you gain 40 pounds."  If you want to get in better shape, that's fine, and more power to you.  But I don't think your spouse should be concerned if you gain weight, nor should you think less of your partner should they put on a few.  If you weren't married, you might gain that weight anyway, just living your life.  It happens.  Just because you're married, you shouldn't let go of things you once found important, but by the same token, you shouldn't try and measure up to your partner's expectations, because to a large degree, there shouldn't be any.
5. This one is SO important on my end.  Justin and my mom got along when we were just dating, and they are still good together when she visits.  But me and Justin's parents?  No way, I feel like there is always something wrong.  Granted, this has gotten better since we've been married, but sometimes it still pops up.  Their biggest complaint is that I never call.  I don't know why I should be forced to call them everyday and "check in" when Justin isn't required to call my mom and report to her everyday, too.  Once again, being forced to do something makes it all the more undesirable!
6. Thankfully, Justin and I don't fight very often.  In fact, our biggest fight within the last year happened before we got married.  We are starting to get better, Justin mostly, at not getting mad/offended/upset at certain things.
7. Ah.  This is my biggest problem.  Even before we got married, Justin and I talked about babies and baby names and etc.  I've always been a big baby person, ever since I was little, and I always knew I wanted to be a mother.  So it's always been a huge topic of conversation for us.  But now that we're married, we're starting to realize that having a baby is quite permanent.  Even though we're married, we can get divorced.  It's not permanent.  But once you have a child, and claim it anyway, you are its parent until the day you die.  I don't think we're willing to give up our freedom just yet.  And we're still young!  We have plenty of time to start a family.  Not to mention, we are trying to save up some money, as well as pay off a good chunk of debt, before we start a family. 

So that's my two cents.  I think all in all, as we are about to reach the one-year mark, we're doing pretty well.  I like where we are, and I like our life together.  I wouldn't trade it for anything. :)